cb                 THE DEAD POLITICAL PHILOSOPHY SKETCH
c7 
Loosely (more-or-less) adapted from the Monty Python "Dead Parrot
Sketch", and from the warped imagination of the Rev. F. Martin Allen; helped
and inspired by his many miscreant friends. (c) 1996
 
cb                 The Political Philisophy Shoppe
c3 
A customer enters the Political Philosophy Shoppe.  He has a thick, gray
beard, is wearing a starched set green fatigues with matching pillbox
style BDU cap, and has an enormous cigar between his lips.  Speaks with
a Spanish accent... oh, the customer, *not* the Shoppe.  The Owner is
behind the counter, with his back to the Customer.


cfCustomerc9:cd  Buenos Dias, I wish to register a complaint.
c3
 cc[c6The Owner does not respond.  He too is bearded, and speaks
with a faint German accent...cc]

cfCc9:cd       Buenos Dias, Senorita?
 
cfOwnerc9:c5   What do you mean, *Senorita*?  (turns around)
 
cfCc9:cd       (pause)  I'm sorry, I have a cold.  I wish to make a complaint!
 
cfOc9:c5       We're closing for lunch.
 
cfCc9:cd       Never mind that, muchacho.  I wish to complain about this
         political philosophy which I purchased not half a century ago
         from this very botique.
 
cfOc9:c5       Oh yes, the, uh, Marxism-Leninism with the State-planned economy.
         What's, uh... what's wrong with it?
 
cfCc9:cd       I'll tell you what's wrong with it, amigo.  It's *dead*, that's
         what's wrong with it.
 
cfOc9:c5       No, no, it's, uh... undergoing a period of retrenchment.  Yeah,
         that's it.
 
cfCc9:cd       Look, gringo, I know a dead philosophy when I see one, and I'm
         seeing one every day back home.
 
cfOc9:c5       No, no, it's not dead, it's, it's retrenching.  Remarkable concept,
         the Marxism-Leninism, idn't it 'ay?  Beautiful Manifesto!
 
cfCc9:cd       The Manifesto don't enter into it.  It's stone dead.

cfOc9:c5       No no no no no, no, no!  It's retrenching!

cfCc9:cd       All right then, if it's only retrenching, I'll just give my usual
         closing from all my inspirational speeches, and we'll see how much
         enthusiastic response it gets.  (turns away, clears throat) <ahem>
         (bombastically)  Muchas gracias, Comrade Marxism-Leninism shall
         endure forever!
 cc
 [c6sounds of a bus passing by outside and a mornful dog howling
 in the distance...cc]
 
cfOc9:c5       (applauds)  Hooray!  (stops abruptly as Customer spins around)
 
cfCc9:cd       That was you!
 
cfOc9:c5       I never!!!
 
cfCc9:cd       Yes you did!
 
cfOc9:c5       I never, never said a word.  That was your own adoring populace!
 
cfCc9:cd       My adoring populace, eh?  My so-called adoring populace is fleeing
         by the boatload!  Some of my very own family members have skipped
         the country to go live in some decadent, decaying, money-grubbing
         capitalist economy that's due to collapse any... *century*, now.
         Do you realize that there are only three places on the planet where
         anyone takes this idea seriously?  And those are Palestine, North
         Korea, and the University of California at Berkeley!  Hardly major
         world powers, yes?  I'm an international laughingstock!
 
cfOc9:c5       No, you're not.  You're... uh... just suffering some minor political
         isolation engineered by a few envious capitalists.
 
cfCc9:cd       MINOR!?!
 
cfOc9:c5       Yeah!  Whatever problems you might be having are all their fault.
         They can't keep it up, they can't afford it.

 cc[c6Customer bites his enormous cigar in two, spits out the stub.cc]
 
 
cfCc9:cd       Um... now look... now look, amigo, I've definitely had enough
         of this.  This political philosophy is definitely deceased, and
         when I purchased it not a half-century ago you assured me that
         its lack of economic vitality was due to it being tired and
         shagged-out following the establishment of a Worker's Paradise
         in the Motherland.
 
cfOc9:c5       That's right!
 
cfCc9:cd       RIGHT???  What kind of talk is *that*?  Then why has the
         aforementioned Motherland outlawed its Communist Party?
         Eh?  Why have they tried to create a free market?  Eh?  Eh?
 
cfOc9:c5       Your Marxism-Leninism prefers to operate with the Communists
         outlawed.  All it needs is to eat the occasional free market
         to stay healthy.  Remarkable concept, idn't it squire?  Loverly
         Manifesto!
 
cfCc9:cd       Look, I took the liberty of examining my economic history, and I
         discovered that the only reason it's lasted *this* long is that
         it's been almost completely supported by a foreign superpower.
 
 cc(c6pausecc)

cfOc9:c5       Well, of course the ecomomy had to be... *moderated* by a
         superpower.  I mean, if you'd been left to yourselves you'd
         have more money than you'd know what to do with!  Inflation
         would have run rampant!  You'd be swamped with immigrants
         and VOOM!  Feeweeweewee!
 
cfCc9:cd       "VOOM"?!?  Gringo, this idea wouldn't "voom" if you put four
         million die-hard fanatics through it.  It's bleedin' *demised*!
 
cfOc9:c5       It's retrenching.
 
cfCc9:cd       It's *not* retrenching!  It's passed on!  This political
         philosophy is no more!  It has ceased to be!  It's expired and is
         as dead as its authors!  It's an anachronism!  Bereft of credibility,
         it rests in peace!  If it weren't for a few insane die-hards it
         would exist only in memory!  It's headed for the history books, in
         between feudalism and mercantilism!  It's off the twig!  It's
         kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off this mortal coil, rung down
         the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!!!
         THIS IS AN EX-PHILOSOPHY!!!!!
 
 cc(c6pausecc)
 
cfOc9:c5       Well, I'd better replace it, then.  (takes a quick peek behind the
         counter)  Sorry, squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the
         shop, and we're right out of any kind of managed economy
         philosophies.
 
cfCc9:cd       I see.  I see, I get the picture.
 
 cc(c6pausecc)
 
cfOc9:c5       I've got some free-market Socialism.  Interesting hybrid; they
         also call it "Socialism with a Human Face".
 
 cc(c6pausecc)
 
cfCc9:cd       (sweet as cane sugar)  Pray, does it work?
 
cfOc9:c5       Nnnnnot really.
 
cfCc9:cd       WELL IT'S NOT HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?
 
cfOc9:c5       Look, what do you *want* from me?
 
cfCc9:cd       If you can't replace it, then maybe you've got something
         to make it *appear* alive a little longer.  Anything back
         there to get the poor to stop whining at me?
 
cfOc9:c5       (rummages around, thumps on counter)  Here's a little something
         from up North.  You tax the dickens out of the people who earn
         the most money, keep most of it for yourself and give the rest
         to all the people that don't earn anything.
 
cfCc9:cd       (sarcastically)  Oh, that's lovely.  That's just delightful.
         And what do I say to my people in my next inspirational
         speech?  (speech mode)  "Good news!  I've become a Liberal
         Democrat!"
 
cfOc9:c5       Well then, do this.  (Owner turns it upside down)  Tax the
         poor into bankruptsy, keep most of it for yourself, and give
         the rest to the rich.
 
cfCc9:cd       This is better?  Now I have to tell them I've become a
         Republican!
 
cfOc9:c5       What do you want?!?  Do you expect to cut out taxation
         entirely?
 
cfCc9:cd       That's no better either; they'd think I'd become a <shudder>
         *Libertarian*!
 
 cc(c6pausecc)
 
cfOc9:c5       (quietly)  D'you... d'you want to come back to my place?
         (looks around furtively)
 
cfCc9:cd       (looks around, also)  Well... (smiles)  All right.
 
 cc(c6all exitcc)
 
 cc(c6fade outcc)
 
 cc(c6cut to commercialcc)
 
 c8-c7!!!c8-cb End of "Dead Political Philosophy Sketch" c8-c7!!!c8-
