HALLOWEEN! -- An Introduction and an Index
 ========================================================
 'Twas Halloween night as I leaped from my bed,
 With thoughts of amusement going through my head.
 Turned off my computer and thought as I may
 Of vampires of old and vampires of today.
 Of spooky old movies and Halloween parties,
 Of course trick or treating
 (hope they don't hand out Smarties).
 And witches and ghosts and gravediggers, I fear,
 So that old haunted house, I will never go near.
 When you see spooky places, just take my advice,
 And don't go in rooms filled with ghosts, bats, and mice.
 So don't risk your life going looking for spooks,
 Just go to a party with some good friendly kooks.
 Or gather your family, carve a pumpkin and think
 What to have your kids do, and go pick up a drink.
 Tell a joke to your friends, but be careful, you'll see
 That a couple wrong moves might mean eternity.
 Now put on that costume and dress yourself up.
 You can be Ninja Nun or that RCA Pup.
 But be very careful or else you might see
 That ghosts and vampires aren't really PC.
 So now you can think, as you turn out that light
 That there's no such thing and that you are all right.
 Look under your bed, though, and then you might see...
 Nothing!  We aren't afraid of ghosts now, are we?
 -------------------------
 'TWAS HALLOWEEN NIGHT AS I LEAPED FROM MY BED,
 WITH THOUGHTS OF AMUSEMENT GOING THROUGH MY HEAD.
 
 The Top 10 Reasons Trick-or-Treating is Better than Sex:
  10.  Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
  9.   If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
  8.   The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
  7.   You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
  6.   Its OK when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else,
       because you ARE someone else.
  5.   40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
  4.   If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.
  3.   Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
  2.   Less guilt the next morning.
                        AND....
  1.   You can "do" the whole neighborhood!!!
 ----------------------------------
 TURNED OFF MY COMPUTER AND THOUGHT AS I MAY
 
 Question:
         Why do computer programmers confuse Hallowe'en and Christmas?
 Answer:
         Because oct31=dec25.
 ----------------------------------
 OF VAMPIRES OF OLD
 
  Q:  What kind of dog does Dracula have?
  A:  A Bloodhound!
  Q:  Where did they put Dracula when he was arrested?
  A:  In a red bloodcell!
  Q:  What is Dracula's favorite holiday?
  A:  Fangsgiving!
  Q:  What do you give a vampire with a cold?
  A:  Coffin Drops!
  Q:  Why did the vampire quit the baseball team?
  A:  They would only let him be BAT boy!
  Q:  Why didn't Dracula get married?
  A:  He never met a nice Ghoul!
 ----------------------------------
 AND VAMPIRES OF TODAY.
 
   The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires
 15> Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
 14> Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
 13> Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
 12> Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
 11> Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck
     yelling, "Look Ma!  It's Elvis!"
 10> After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find
     clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
  9> After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
  8> No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
  7> With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs
     are suddenly off-limits.
  6> No warm blood for miles around DC.
  5> Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
  4> No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
  3> Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized
     "hardbodies."
  2> Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
     and the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires...
  1> Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.
 ----------------------------------
 OF SPOOKY OLD MOVIES
 
            The Top 18 Least Popular Horror Movies
  18> Tapeworm!
  17> The Texas Chainsaw Macarena
  16> Dorf on Beating Someone to Death With a Golf Club
  15> Invasion of the Potty Snatchers
  14> Iraqnophobia
  13> Mittens Visits the Asthma Ward
  12> Mr. Dole Goes to Washington
  11> 101 Mutilations
  10> Attack of the Receding Hairline
   9> The Island of Dr. Perot
   8> An American Werewolf in Therapy
   7> Winnie The Pooh In Tigger's Stew
   6> First Wives Clubbed
   5> The Miami Beach Chainsaw Massacre: "That shrub's gotta go!"
   4> You're an Axe Murderer, Charlie Brown
   3> The Methane Monsters of Fraternity Row
   2> April The 15th - Jason's Audit
      and the Number 1 Least Popular Horror Movie...
   1> She's Wearing White After Labor Day!
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 AND HALLOWEEN PARTIES,
 
                 HALLOWEEN
 A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.  She got a
 terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.  He,
 being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going
 to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good
 time being spoiled by not going.  So he took his costume and away he went.
 The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and
 as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.  In as much as her
 husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have
 some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not
 with him.
 She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the
 dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little
 feel here and a little kiss there.  His wife went up to him and being a
 rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and
 devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
 She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
 Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so
 off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.  Just before
 unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume
 away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make
 for his behavior.
 She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time
 he had.  He said, "Oh, the same old thing.  You know I never have a good
 time when you're not there."  Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
 He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.   When I got
 there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den
 and played poker all evening.  But I'll tell you...the guy I loaned my
 costume to sure had a real good time!"
 ----------------------------------
 OF COURSE TRICK OR TREATING
 
 A little boy goes up to the door and rings the bell.  The lady opens
 the door, and the boy says, "Trick or treat!"  The lady says, "Well,
 aren't you cute!  What are you supposed to be?"  The boy, miffed
 because he thought it was obvious, says, "I'm a pirate!"  The lady,
 not realizing her gaffe, says, "Well then, where are your buccaneers?"
 The boy says, "Jeez, lady, they're on my buckin' head!"
 ----------------------------------
 (HOPE THEY DON'T HAND OUT SMARTIES).
 
 20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters:
 1. Give away something other than candy.  (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of
    sand, etc.)
 2. Wait behind the door until some people come.  When they get near the
    door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell,
    "Trick or Treat!"  Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
 3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers.  Write on it, "Top Secret"
    in big letters.  When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously,
    say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and
    quickly shut the door.
 4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room.  When trick-or-treaters
    come to the door, say, "Come in."  When they do, have everyone yell,
    "Surprise!!!"  Act like it's a surprise party.
 5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can
    figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher.  Insist that it makes an
    unnatural  "whirring" sound.
 6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
 7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move
    or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
 8. When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the
    street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"
 9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and
    scared, and start screaming your head off.  Slam the door and runaround
    the house, screaming until they go away.
 10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you
     give them any candy.
 11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their
     candy.  Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
 12. Get a catapult.  Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone
     who comes within 50 yards of your house.
 13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing
     through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
 14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim.  Stare at the trick-or-treaters
     for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a
     calendar.
 15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs.  If anyone protests, explain
     that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
 16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist.  Angrily give the trick-or-treaters
     a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
 17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy
     bars in your hands.  Act surprised, and close the door.  Open it again
     in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.
 18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.
 19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch.
     Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
 20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit.  Yell and curse from the moment you open
     the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters.  Slam the
     door when you're finished.
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 AND WITCHES
 
 Why don't witches wear panties?
 So that they can get a good grip on the broom...
 ----------------------------------
 AND GHOSTS
 
 Why do ghosts write in Latin?  It's a dead language.
 WITCH PARKING ONLY
 VIOLATORS WILL BE TOAD
 Last Halloween was bad for me.  I got beat up, although my friends say I
 deserved it.  I went to a party dressed as a pinata!
 ----------------------------------
 AND GRAVEDIGGERS, I FEAR,
 
 Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take  a
 shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.  Right in the middle of the
 cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty
 shadows.  Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and
 chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
 "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared
 us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost!  What are you doing working
 here so late at night?"
 "Those fools!" the old man grumbled.  "They misspelled my name!"
 ----------------------------------
 SO THAT OLD HAUNTED HOUSE, I WILL NEVER GO NEAR.
 
 Top 10 Houses to Avoid when Trick-or-Treating
 10. Any house that seems to be imploding into a hole in the ground
 9. Any house made of food
 8. Any house that has ornamental lawn hyenas
 7. Any house whose only entrance goes to the basement
 6. Any house where high-tension power lines seem to stop
 5. Any house that keeps growling, "Get out"
 4. Any house where the furniture seems to be walking around the living room
 3. Any house that looks more like a giant, pulsating orb floating 3 feet
 above the ground than a house
 2. Any house with a yard full of statues of people in odd running poses
 And the Number One House to Avoid...
 1. Any house that wasn't there a couple of seconds ago
 ----------------------------------
 WHEN YOU SEE SPOOKY PLACES, JUST TAKE MY ADVICE,
 
 * When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see
   if it's really dead.
 * If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once
   a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who
   went  mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had
   inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house move away
   immediately.
 * Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
 * Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
 * If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they
   should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other
   than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief
   in the long run.  NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill
   them, so be prepared.
 * When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.
 * As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
 * Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave,
   tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
 * If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out
   that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your
   life.*
 * If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
 * Do not take *anything* from the dead.
 * If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason.
   Take the hint and stay away.
 * Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know
   what you are doing.
 * If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at
   least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that,
   despite  the fact that you are running and the monster is merely
   shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
 * If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior
   such  as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing
   hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
 * Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed
   here:  Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if
   you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in
   Maine.
 * If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby
   deserted-looking house to phone for help.
 * Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge
   trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches,
   soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
 ----------------------------------
 AND DON'T GO IN ROOMS FILLED WITH GHOSTS, BATS, AND MICE.
 
                         Bat story
                         ---------
 A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood
 and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
 Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling
 him about where he got it.
 He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep
 but they persisted until finally he gave in.
 "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of
 bats behind him.
 Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest
 full of trees.
 Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around
 him.
 "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
 "Yes, yes, yes!"e bats all screamed in a frenzy.
 "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"
 ----------------------------------
 SO DON'T RISK YOUR LIFE GOING LOOKING FOR SPOOKS,
 
 What do little ghosts drink?
                 Evaporated milk.
 Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
                 Because people are dying to get in.
 When do ghosts usually appear?
                 Just before someone screams.
 What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
                 A holy terror.
 Why do witches think they're funny?
                 Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.
 How do mummies hide?
                 They wear masking tape.
 What would you find on a haunted beach?
                 A sand witch.
 Who has a broom and flies?
                 A jelly-covered janitor.
 What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
                 Five after one.
 Why don't skeletons like parties?
                 They have no body to dance with.
 What did the bat say to the witch's hat?
                 You go on ahead.  I'll hang around for a while.
 What if you crossed a rabbit with a wolf?
                 You'd get a harewolf.
 What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier?
                 You hear the broom boom.
 What goes "Oob, oob!"
                 A witch in reverse.
 How do you make a milkshake?
                 You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"
 What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
                 She flies off the handle.
 Why do demons hang out with ghouls?
                 Because demons are a ghouls best friend.
 Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
                 It was his bat.
 What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
                 Put your boos and shocks on.
 Mother vampire to son:
                 Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it clots.
 Mommy, Mommy, the kids all call me a werewolf.
                 Never mind, dear, now go and comb your face.
 What should you say when you meet a ghost?
                 "How do you boo, sir.  How do you boo."
 What's a ghost's favorite breakfast?
                 Ghost toasties with booberries.
 What's soft, moldy and flies?
                 A spoiled bat.
 What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back?
                 "You're under a vest!"
 What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home?
                 He had to give it back.
 Why did the monster salute his vegetable soup?
                 He looked in his bowl and saw a kernel of corn.
 What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
                 A dead ringer.
 What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for the first time?
                 I'd like to get to gnaw you.
 Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime?
                 "Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."
 Why do dragons sleep during the day?
                 So they can fight knights.
 Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
                 In a blood bank.
 How does a witch tell time?
                 She looks at her witch watch.
 Where can you see a real ugly monster?
                 In the mirror.
 When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
                 When you're a mouse.
 Why did the monster eat the caboose?
                 The locomotive told him to "Choo, choo."
 What's the best place for a mirror?
                 In a graveyard.  It can double your mummy.
 ----------------------------------
 JUST GO TO A PARTY WITH SOME GOOD FRIENDLY KOOKS.
 
 They threw a Halloween party. When most guests were there, the bell rang.
 There stood uncle Elroy on the doorstep, only dressed in his trousers.
 'But uncle', they asked, 'what do you impersonate ???'
 'Well, I am the Premature Ejaculation himself .'
 'But .. ????'
 'I've come in my pants.'
 ----------------------------------
 OR GATHER YOUR FAMILY,
 
 What do West Virginians do for Halloween
 Pump-kin
 ----------------------------------
 CARVE A PUMPKIN AND THINK
 
 What do you get when you divide the circumference of your jack-o-lantern by
 its diameter?
 Pumpkin Pi
 ----------------------------------
 WHAT TO HAVE YOUR KIDS DO,
 
 When selecting treats to pass out at the homestead, avoid
 non-nutritious candies and gums.  Instead offer celery and blue cheese
 sauce platters.  While the neighborhood rugrats may loathe you, you'll
 undoubtedly be a hit with the local dental hygienist (Note:  House
 windows should be securely boarded before attempting).
 Take care to choose a Halloween personae that lends itself to
 self-defense.  A wicked witch with the trademark broom has a vast
 combative edge over an wand-wielding fairy.
 When trying to choose an appropriate costume, be sure to select the
 darkest colors available.  Go for black ninja suits or other
 non-reflective garb.
 Costume accessories can really make the difference.  Avoid using
 plastic props.  Opt for real cutlery to stand out in the crowd.
 If living in the deep rural South, avoid dressing up in a white sheet,
 for any reason.  Such action can be misconstrued and ultimately lead
 to grotesque bodily harm.
 And for little tikes, don't garb them in a white bed sheet that's
 bound to get tarnished!  To cut Halloween budget corners, use whitekitchen
 garbage bags.  The costume also doubles as a large goodie bag,
 in the event that the feelings of asphyxiation simply become too
 unbearable for the youngster.
 With so much geared toward the youngest family members, awkward teens
 can often feel left out.  Insist that they dress up in a costume that
 will complement the young sibling's attire (Raggedy Ann and Andy,
 Prince and Princess, etc.).
 When out collecting candy, visit houses in out-of-the-way dimly lit
 areas.  Especially look for houses without *any lights on.  These are
 the enthusiasts trying to make Halloween especially authentic and
 eerie for little ghoulies.
 If no unlit houses can be found in your area, you will be forced to
 approach the well-lighted houses.  But don't knock on the door!
 Instead, sneak around an knock on windows or rustle around in
 crawl-spaces.  The resident family will appreciate your sense of
 originality and will likely reward you handsomely.
 After you've been trick-or-treating, simply disregard all wrapped or
 "store-bought" candy.  People handing this stuff out just don't give a
 damn and simply took the easy out.  Go for the home-baked goodies.
 You can also look for organized community events to entertain teens.
 Who can forget playing "Disintegrate The Mailbox," "Pumpkin Toss,"
 "Teacher Toilet Paper Party," "Plastic Pumpkin Pillage," and "Pummel
 The Ghoulies."
 Before bobbing for apples at your local Halloween carnival, fill your
 mouth brimming full with ketchup.  When underwater, discharge the goo,
 then frantically jerk your head up out of the water screaming, "Razor!
 Razor!"
 ----------------------------------
 AND GO PICK UP A DRINK.
 
 Halloween Vamps
 Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to
 take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"
 The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire
 said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at
 his companions and said, "I'll have a glass of plasma."
 The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the
 bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light".
 ----------------------------------
 TELL A JOKE TO YOUR FRIENDS, BUT BE CAREFUL, YOU'LL SEE
 
 Halloween Jokes
 Is that your real face or are you still celebrating Halloween?
 I like your dress but aren't you a little bit early for Halloween parties?
 I won't say the girls were ugly at the Halloween party, but I danced with a
 pumpkin three times and never know the difference.
 "Don't look out of the window, people will think it's already Halloween!"
 She's so ugly she rents herself out for Halloween parties.
 She's so ugly she's only allowed to walk the streets on HalloweOwitches, are to
day respected as complexion-impaired,
   wardrobe-challenged wome... uh, womyn.
 * Window waxing -- These days you'll only set off the light-, noise-,
   motion-, and aroma-sensitive burglar alarm, and quickly exit in cuffs and
   revolving lights -- if you're lucky enough not to leave prime filet of leg
   with the neighborhood rottweiler.
 * Trick-or-treating -- This obviously would be prosecuted as a violation of
   federal RICO [racketeering] statutes, except that most of the perpetrators
   are juveniles, and thus have the civil right to thumb their noses at the
   law and be back on the street before the candy runs out.
 And then there are the treats themselves:
 * Candy should be dispensed only with balancing doses of Ritalin, soft-
   bristle toothbrushes and an effective (but fluoride-free) dentifrice.
 * Apples should be organic, Alar-free, union-packed, washed in genuine
   American Zephyrhills water, and X-rayed before being handed out.  Any
   worms should be housed, fed, read their rights, then returned to their
   native soil, or, if they so choose, given refugee status in yours.
 ----------------------------------
 SO NOW YOU CAN THINK, AS YOU TURN OUT THAT LIGHT
 THAT THERE'S NO SUCH THING AND THAT YOU ARE ALL RIGHT.
 LOOK UNDER YOUR BED, THOUGH, AND THEN YOU MIGHT SEE...
 NOTHING!  WE AREN'T AFRAID OF GHOSTS NOW, ARE WE?
