
                    GUIDE TO THE MEN'S ROOM AT THE STADIUM 
                
ABSENTMINDED: 
Opens vest, pulls out tie, dribbles down leg.  

AROUSED: 
Is unable to clear zipper in time, hits flush handle.  
              
ASPARAGUS: 
Is inconspicuous in line, his presence becomes obvious to those in area, 
when he unloads, after a heavy meal of asparagus, due to the fetted odor that  
accompanies his action.  Ordinarily, those who follow this poor soul in line 
manage to switch to another line.  
           
ATHLETIC UNIFORM WEARER:
No provision has been made in the design of the garment, by the uniform maker, 
for the natural functions.  Wearer drools heavily and frequently has tears 
in his eyes.  

AVID CONVERSATIONALIST: 
Gets very deeply involved with the person in line next to him, turns quickly
to make a definite point, and marks the other person's pant leg. Thereupon, 
conversation ceases in a very sullen silence.  
              
BELCHER: 
No period of relief is complete without a real room rolling belch.  Thus, on 
station, this individual sounds like he is going to bring up last week's 
cookies.  
              
BE PREPARED: 
The exact opposite of the "In Search Of," this individual is so geared toward 
preparation that he opens zipper in hallway before entering room - to the  
consternation  of the mixed audience that witnesses this startling event!  
              
BROADCASTER: 
Listens to the game on the radio, even while unloading.  During high point 
in the game, he gets completely carried away, wets his own pants and shoes, 
the surrounding individuals, the wall, and even makes an attempt for the 
ceiling during this crucial period.  
              
BUILDER: 
To amuse himself, he attempts construction of some imaginary object with the 
wet butts in the urinal.  
              
CAUTIOUS: 
Takes extra care to maintain accuracy and privacy that he forgets to go, 
after all the preparations have been so elaborately made.  
              
CHILDISH: 
Ties into the bottom of the urinal with fiendish glee, to see how many bubbles 
he can produce.  
              
CHECKER: 
Always stares at the ceiling, and when finished, wants to look unconcerned.  
Flushes wastebasket.  
              
CONTESTANT: 
Holds great value in completion of act before anyone else, thus makes a very 
forced effort, which inevitably results in the fouling of the air in the 
entire vicinity.  
              
CROSS-EYED: 
Stares at the urinal on the left, hits the urinal on the right, flushes the 
center urinal.  
              
DESPERATE:  
Waits in very long line, until he is second in position, then wets pants.  
         
DEPARTURE ADDICT: 
Compulsively must leave game before anyone else, but also must dispense with 
natural urge. He is unable to decide which motive is of greater urgency and 
importance, thus never makes it to the urinal, but completely wets floor, 
self, wall, and then dribbles in the urinal with a guilty look on his face.  
              
DISCO DANCER:  
Listens to music with a real beat on radio, loses control and wets nearly 
everything in sight.  
             
DISGRUNTLED:  
On station, waits patiently for several minutes (to wonderment of those yet 
in line), then departs grumbling to himself and looking disgusted.  
              
DISTRACTED:  
Chews gum with such zest and vigor that he forgets the purpose of the line, 
so must go to the end of the line, and return a second time to complete the 
job.  
              
DOUBLE LOSER: 
Discovers, to his horror, that he has developed yet ANOTHER hole in the OTHER 
shoe, and thus manages to get both feet wet simultaneously.  
              
DRUNK: 
Holds left thumb in right hand, wets pants.  
              
EFFICIENT: 
Goes to booth and does everything simultaneously with ease.  
              
ESCOPET: 
Can never quite clear the hurdles involved.  
              
EURYTHMIC: 
Does everything with elegance and charm, in harmony with sophistication and 
urbane grace.  
              
EXCITABLE: 
Has long johns on backwards, gets flap caught in zipper, dies of an over-
extended bladder.  
              
FASHION PLATE: 
Wears clothing which so closely conforms to the body size that it allows no 
room in which to make the necessary moves. Drowns in own body fluids after 
six separate and very desperate attempts to undress in public are a complete 
failure.  
              
FLIPPANT ARTIST:  
Comes into the room, ignores the line, looks fairly stupid, so his move is 
unquestioned. He passes seven people, grabs the first urinal available, and  
does his work, but smiles sickeningly, as he departs.  
              
FLUSH WATCHER: 
Derives a secret sensual satisfaction from observation of the complete flush
cycle. He remains on station, watching completion of the cycle, just long 
enough to cause the next person in line to wet pants and fill shoes.
  
FORGETFUL: 
Has altogether forgotten to wear underwear, and only at this critical moment
discovers his deficiency.  Has some difficulty accomodating the new breeze of 
which he has just become aware.  
              
FRIVOLOUS: 
Awards himself points for targets hit.  
              
GRUNTER: 
In order to achieve desired results, this individual grunts and makes other 
unusual noises.  
              
HYPNOTIZED:
Does not know what he is doing, where he is, what is to be accomplished, thus 
wanders around with a blank stare, hoping for inspiration, or at least 
guidance.  Wets pants, fills shoes, then returns to consciousness.  
              
INDIFFERENT: 
Detests standing in line, so usually uses sink, or, in emergencies, perhaps 
even the wastebasket.  
              
INEFFICIENT: 
Having been on station, and believing he has completed the work, is now torn 
by doubt, and thus makes it to the end of the line, to resolve the doubt and 
finish.  
    
IN SEARCH OF: 
In spite of best efforts, can not find the zipper and is unwilling to admit 
this to himself or anyone else who may be observing - takes extra long time 
to make discovery, while next person in line wets his own pants and those of 
the one in search of...  
              
JOINER: 
Doesn't know the purpose of the line, but seeing so many people in it, 
figures it must be worthwhile and so he joins the line, only to fail when the 
goal is to be achieved.  
              
LARGE: 
Always finds way into line waiting to use the child's urinal, suitable for 
a dehydrated dwarf on a severe starvation diet - developes back trouble from 
stooping.  
              
LISTENER: 
Developes acute apaplexy listening to the slow disposal rate of the person in 
front of him, loses control, wets pants, person in front of him, person 
behind him, as he turns around - gets punched in the nose, falls to the 
floor, and is left to spend the remainder of the day there.  
              
LITTLE: 
Stands on a coke case, falls in, needs assistance to get out and dry off.  
              
LOST GLASSES: 
Can not find urinal, and in acute cases, can't even find the men's room, 
sometimes is forced to use the water fountain.  
              
MODEST: 
Will not under any circumstances perform in the presence of others, which 
often causes him to stand in a corner, on tip-toe, much in the manner of a 
ballet dancer.  
              
MR. CLEAN: 
Goes first to the wash basin to wash up before he touches zipper to initiate 
activity, and then returns to the basin afterwards to wash even more 
thoroughly  
              
MR. RIGHT: 
While dispensing with natural urge, combs hair, to deceive anyone who might 
suspect him of such a vile thing as a natural urge.  
              
MUSICIAN: 
Hums to himself, during activity, although the melody is of some unknown and 
yet to be discovered artist, whom many would wish remained undiscovered.  
              
MANUFACTURER'S MISTAKE: 
Wearing shorts with no opening, he becomes totally frustrated after a 20 
minute examination and concomitant contortions to discover what has happened 
to the non-existent opening that isn't there!  
              
NASAL DRIP TRANSFER: 
Easily initiates the work when he finally gets to station, but has most 
difficult time getting  the work completed and shut off.  
              
NAVIGATOR: 
Chases butt of wet cigarette with stream, trying to direct it somewhere.  
              
NOSEY:
Checks out neighbor in next line to see if his is carbonated!  
              
OVERDEVELOPED: 
Continues strong and steady stream for almost a full minute, and is held 
responsible for the death of the next person in line, who dies of over-
extended bladder resulting from the power of suggestion!  
              
OVERFLOW VICTIM: 
Has waited just mere seconds too long and can not wait till the zipper 
reaches even the end of its run before the disaster strikes.  
              
OVERSIZED SHORTS: 
Conducts thorough and careful search but can not find anything other than 
yards of cotton and polyester material. Wets pants, but does not discover 
this until considerably later.  
              
PANICKED: 
Usually in bib overalls, with stuck zipper. Performs absolutely amazing 
contortions which would be wonderful if done in a dance contest.  When all is 
said and done, wets pants, fills shoes.  
              
PATIENT: 
Stands on station endlessly, waiting and waiting, taking longer than a 
camel to dispel load.  
              
PUZZLED: 
Has put underwear on backwards, but not to worry, there is no urgency, so 
leaves line confused.  
              
QUAKERISH: 
Gets to station, engages in period of meditation, silence and absolute 
concentration are necessary for the very seldom and most serious effort.  
Leaves station with blissful fully satisfied grin on his face.  
              
