     (2) Out of my Mind                                       Bocephus Feces

            * First of all, I was going to explain the glasses on Purple
            Smarties, but they've since ceased to make them with "cool
            shades".  (I believe they're being simultaneously sued by
            Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder.)

      Society's Mistakes and why we should Appreciate them

              I've spent countless hours being grateful to a man in New
            York.  We've all heard about him, y'know, that guy whose dick
            fell off in the bath after he shot it full of coke.  Well I
            Believe that he is on of our unsung heroes of today.  If he's
            still alive, that poor bastard, I believe I'd like to shake his
            hand.  Well, maybe not his hand, or any other part of him for
            that matter, after all I don't know where he's been.  However...
            I would still like to extend my sincerest congrats on his
            important discovery as well as my warmest heartfelt thanks.
            I Know I'll never consider injecting my penis with any foreign
            substance again.  All because of one mans startlingly
            groundbreaking idea!

              Many times I have resisted that natural urge to spray
            "no-stick cooking spray" up my nose.  I was very fortunate not
            to be born too curious because I have since found out that it
            is lethal.  That's right, once again we need to give thanks
            to a certain teenage girl, how buried in her hometown of Tofino
            California.  We are all human (well at least I am, I assume that
            you are too if you are reading this, but my apologies to all
            those non-sentient un-men out there.)  We all have the desire
            to discover the unknown.  To comprehend the illogical.  To
            grab science by the short hairs and say, "You've got a ways to
            yet!"  We experiment, hey it's what we do.  But why should we
            only applaud the successful.  I at least believe in that age old
            belief that we can learn a lot from our mistakes.

              On, and here's a tip for the ladies:  If you are going to douche
            with lighter fluid, don't stand near an open flame.

                                                            the end.

      The Red Smarties Predicament
      Editor's Note

              Last month, as our regular readers will recall, we published
            the thought provoking essay "The Signifigance of Red Smarties".
            Ever since we have been recieving letters, some from concerned
            readers, some from teachers of physics and theory, and still
            others from unemployable psychotics.  People of all ages, races
            and sexual orientation have written us.  Some try to correct us,
            others blatently debunk us.  We cannot over emphasize what a
            bunch of FUCKING ASSHOLES YOU PEOPLE ARE!  JESUS CHRIST!  WHAT
            WE PUBLISHED WAS ONE MAN'S OPINION!  YOU READ IT, YOU THINK ABOUT
            IT, YOU AGREE, YOU DISAGREE.  WE'RE NOT SAYING HE IS RIGHT!
            So, due to the overwhelming interest in the subject, we are
            reprinting the original essay along with some of the rationally
            opinioned letters.

                                                            the end.

    letters not included, please send 15 dollars plus shipping and handling
    to the address below, and we will send you a complete copy.

            p/o box 7429
            Cocks 'R' Us
            New Westminster Quay

      Feature Survey:  What kind of Bastard are you?

      Scenario #1:  You're on the bus, there's one seat left but it's in
                    the old people section, you see an elderly woman with
                    blue hair, vericose veins, two shopping bags, a bingo
                    parlour hat and a moustache heading for that seat.
                    Do you:

              -10   A: Let her take the seat, after all she's elderly and...

                5   B: Deliberatley induce vomit onto forementioned seat,
                       if you can't have it, no one can.

               20   C: Club her over the back of the head with that wrench
                       you keep in your back pocket, tear her zellers special
                       dress off, throw her off the bus through the window
                       and keep her shopping bags.

               10   D: Let her take the seat and throw that whiny kid off
                       the bus so you can seit near his somewhat attractive
                       mother.

      Scenario #2:  You're at a major sporting event, there's a 20 minute
                    line up for the bathroom.
                    Do you:

              -10   A: Wait in line like everyone else.

                5   B: Find a corner.

                10  C: Who needs corners?

                20  D: beat the living crap out of everyone in the line up.

       Scenario #3: You're out slumming, you've been approached by the
                    same panhandler 4 times, he's drunk, scruffy and
                    really pissing you off!
                    You:

              -10   A: Give him money hoping he'll go away.

                5   B: Get him arrested.

               10   C: Beat him up.

               20   D: Beat the living shit out of him, take his money,
                       booze and clothes, and then get him arrested.

       Scenario #4: You are watching your favorite TV show, when the doorbell
                    rings.  You can see through the peephole in the door
                    that it's a couple of girl guides with cookies.
                    You:

              -10   A: Open the door, be nice and buy cookies.

                5   B: Shout obscenities through the door until they leave.

               10   C: Get the shotgun, blow their faces off, take the cookies.

               50   D: Open door, buy cookies, shove them up their asses,
                       ejaculate of them, then, eat the cookies...

                                                            the end.

    * The opinions expressed here, are not the opinions of the current editor.
      Any complaints can be directed to HELL you cocksucking FUCKFACES.

    * The current location of Bocephus Feces is unknown.  He has
      been spotted propositioning employees at the movie theatres in
      metrotown.