`Beatle, Aka Spoon
Cheese
Bocephus
Clarence
bLUCK
Incognito`

`This Thing is dedicated to complete and utter madness`

`Volume Zero Number Zero`

`Welcome to SPOON. As editors we would like to express our extreme pleasure. This can be done in many ways but not over a computer line! For the next while we will be bringing you, our readers, an number of articles expressing the views of many minorities living inside our heads. As long as we have heads this will continue. Thank you.`

`Beatle
Cheese
Bocephus
bLUCK
Clarence
Incognito`

`Letters From the Editors,`

`The following is a conversation over heard by Bocephus and Clarence.`

`Right now my cheese is restless,
how about you?`

`My cheese is far from restless,
in fact my cheese has reached a state of ZEN.`

`That's pretty fuckin' nifty alright.
But couldn't that raise the cost of borscht in Yugoslavia?`

`Shit no.
Nobody likes my cheese; in fact lately, it seems that nobody wants my cheese, having trouble with sales.
I'm thinking about changing over to sausage, I might make more money
& I hear the sex is good.`

`Ay' but you'll disappoint many a yak, boy.
Next thing you know you'll be making more money, getting famous, probably bringing pain upon your family name too, I'd bet.
Just who the hell do you think you are anyways, you know you were destined to have a dead end job (like cleaning bathrooms at Bates motel)
You have no right disturbing Karma like this.`

`Screw Karma, I'm a Roman Catholic.
Besides, why live a life of poverty when I can live a life of being rich, having endless joy with the female species, and getting hammered the rest of the time.
My destiny is in my hands.
P.S. what time is it?`

`1:25. Well great.
Just go ahead.
Make money.
Get laid by beautiful women.
See if I care.
What if you catch something, homosexuality, chronic raunchy fart syndrome (CRFS) or bumpy bum cheeks?
Yeah then who'd be laughing.
Quite frankly it serve you right if your hair was made of chocalate pudding and your schnauser fell OFF!`

`Catch homosexuality!
That's impossible, you know why?
Because nobody knows I'm a lesbian. Heh how if I cut ya a deal, we can go fifty fifty.
You too can be rich and get laid constantly. What do yah say?
It'll be just like the planet of the nymphomaniacs.`

`No way lumpy nuts, that's not for me.
I don't butter my bread on that side.`

`Dear Dr. Lip,
How are you, I am fine. Except for that cat that is living inside of my head. I recently discovered it last week at Burger King, it stuck it's head out of my mouth and bit my whopper. I feel that, seeking warmth, it crawled up my nose one night while I was sleeping. It has been a general nusiance ever since. Its' constant purring keeps my awake, I've been fired from my job, it's tail is hanging from my left nostril, and those claws! I don't mind the fact that I've lost my source of income and have to beg on on street corners to survive (Incidently it took me three days to save for the cost of the stamp for this letter). But the last straw was when it started urinating out of my ear. Please help me! I need your advice on my feline predicament.`

`Signed,
Catnip Head.`

`Dear Catnip Head,`

`Letting a domestic animal live inside your head! You inhuman bastard! That's animal cruelty you know! I've a good mind to report you to the S.P.C.A! Unfortunately, these letters are confidential, but I could always call anonymously. HA HA HA HA HA!!!`

`Dear Dr. Lip.
I am a socially active young man. Recently I have been urinating blood. Is this normal for a man my age? I'm 18.
Name with held by request.`

`Dear Stu Pididiot,
By the time you read this you should be legally dead. But for the sake of our other readers out there who are urinating blood, my advice is to make funeral plans pronto.`

`Dear Dr. Lip,
I have this little problem with sexual fantasies. I want to have sex with small furry animals. I just find them so sexy. I just wanna huddle and cuddle with them, they're so cute. I almost had a squirrel once but the damn thing got away. Should I express my feelings to close personal friends who might not understand? You see, they won't let me in the petting zoo anymore. i just can't stand the agony of not having a soft furry friend close to my genitailia. Even my cat stays away from me. She won't even come for catnip. Please help me.
Yours truly,
Desperatly Seeking Fuzzies.`

`Dear Desperatly Seeking Fuzzies,
You're not the first person to have trouble fulfilling your beastual fantasies. In fact there are many self help group for people in your condition. My suggestions are, to either resort to criminal activity to support the pet store costs or if you aren't too picky, there are several advantages in the use of roadkill (if you don't mind a little necrophilia), aiding the sanitary condition of the streets is one. And then there's the whole other option of using cooked domestic pets prepared by authentic asian-style resturants, for more information on this subject write to Lupo's Kitchen C/O Purple Peace Online.`

`Weird and strange articles that have no redeeming values but sound scientific`

`Dark. What is it and how can you get it? Well the answer is quite simple, you can't get it. As for what it is, well that's a whole different story on it's own.
Dark in it's true natural form, is merely the absence of light, much like the absence of nothing is something. When exploring this strange phenomenom of nature called "dark" I found that many people seem to associate it with some fear of evil or the supernatural. I myself associate it with Captian Crunch cereal or really bad episodes of the brady bunch. Anyhow, my question is why? Why do people associate dark with fear or evil or Captian Crunch or really bad Brady Bunch or big red hairy muppet like creature like many of my friends seem to? Why is there such fear? After all dark is only Earth in one of her (I say her not because I am sexist or trying to appeal to a feminist audience but because I believe our whole Universe was created with the anatomy of the female body in mind. Maybe I'll do an article on that sometime.) natural forms. Is there some deep metaphorical or metaphysical meaning here? Are we saying that as a society, during daylight hours we have no fears what so ever, as soon as dark rolls around all our fears come out of their twelve hour hibernation? If so, what are those fears? I myself mentioned earlier that I fear Captain Crunch cereal and really bad episodes of Brady Bunch but what does everybody else fear? (please write to let me know.) Does anybody else fear bad Jeff Fayhey movies or Mr. Fishers Teapot or whats in Daredevils trousers on a cold rainy day or do you fear that one day we may all spontaneously combust or be eaten alive by a giant carniverous tricycle? Why has dark been associated with such fears? Will we ever know the truth? Probably not, but only because if we did we wouldn't be able to say yes when someone asks,`

`"Are you afraid of the Dark?"`

`Clarence Revial, Spoon Head
Earth.`

`Next Issue Dark Part II. The Amazing Dark Suckers.`

    _

`Personals:`

`SWM-46 Overweight unemployed alcoholic looking for miss right.
Wants to start relationship with anyone related to a beer company
exec. or owning a fishing boat. Send picture of boat.
SWM-28 Likes swimming, hiking and many other outdoor activities.
Seeks young attractive female for companionship and romance. Must have a fetish for men with three testicles. Send photo.`

`Services:`

`Vasectomies while you wait!
Medical student willing to perform operations at a fraction of professional costs. Colon therapy? No problem! Lobotomies my specialty. Gene Splicer PO #911
Small Penis? Increase your diameter and length instantly! Send S.A.S.E. to Syph Research Lab Industries along with $3.00 S&H cost for Magnifying Glass.
Chinese Sky Writer; Will write any message in chinese in the sky for you. Reasonable prices, under three characters preferable.
Rubber band liquidation, we are slashing prices on all rubber bands. All Rubber bands must go! Don't wait don't delay! We have a Sheep Too.`

`Lost & Found:`

`Lost : Virginity. If you have seen my Virginity please call 555-2123. Sorry, no description. (will take anyones) Reward.
Stolen! One Driveway! Missing since August 25! Can be described as long, gray and concrete. Housetrained. Can be identified by cute heart shaped oil stains.`

`For Sale:`

`Attention collectors! Have trouble finding currency from the early 80's? Will trade $50's $10's $3's and $7 dollar bills.
What are you, some kind of idiot? Are you incredibly stupid? Do you have to study to pass a urine test? Can you get sucked into sending money to a couple of low life con-artists? For more info send $50 cash (please no cheques or money orders) We accept all major credit cards. Bob C. Cock Yellow sock Ave. S.F. USA PO box 007`

`Sheep:`

`Wanted: SWS (single white sheep) Black sheep accepted to. Must be friendly and willing to share small apartment with big harry man $500 obo per month. All utilities incl.
Wanted: Friendly Ewe needed for loving relationship. Possibly for children. 20 acre ranch ready for love nest.`

`THE SIGNIFIGANCE OF RED SMARTIES.`

`By
By Bocephus Feces`

`Pure milk Chocolate. A sugar coating. A hardened coloured shell. Purple. Pink. Brown. Yellow. Green. Orange. Blue. RED. They are equal sized. Perfectly round, except for a few beat up ones. Taste? All the same. Colour is the only variance among them. In a society where the existence of racial predjudice is frowned upon, we have Smarties. Mere seconds turn to minutes. Minutes to hours. Hours to days. Days to weeks, to months to years! How many television endorsements have you seen in your life? How many times has that happy little jingle invaded your living room? How many time have you caught yourself humming it as you eat? Whistling it while you work? Singing it in the rain? If you have done any of these even once, then congradulations you've been brainwashed. You are the pawn of the Scarlet candy Sphere dancing on the screen of your television!`
`A brilliant scheme. Advertising genius. it has been said that these colours stimulate moods. Brown, yellow and orange are supposed to be warm and comforting, pink for humility. Blue for contentment. Purple for the sexually depraved, and green makes all a little more amorous. But Red. Red is rumored to bring friendly behavior, charity, won't you be my neighbor. If this is true then --) you buy your emotions at the local 7-11! However I believe it's a communist plot to rule the Earth and that each colour represents an ethnic group:`

`Pink - Caucasians
Orange - East Indian
Green - Aborijinals
Blue - French
Brown - Negro
Purple - Jew
Yellow - Asian
Red - Communists`

`"When you eat your smarties do you eat the red ones last?" Do you favor the communist party? You have eaten the sweets of affliction and you should fear the convienience of "your friendly neighborhood corner store"
--Next time Bocephus will discuss "What's with the glasses on the purple ones?"`

`This issue we deal with the very popular topic of Nose Flossing........`

`NOSE FLOSSING
By
Cheese`

`Hello dear friends, I am hear once again to tell you about the new amazing discoveries in personnal hygiene. Travelling across my room I have hunted for new ideas and technologies meant for improving the state of the human body. Recently I have had the pleasure of talking to Dr. Johnson Ampersand Johnson who has solved the problem of crusty nostrils and mucus filled nasal passages. This new technique is aptly named, Nose Flossing and is catching fire around the world. The best thing about this this this this this technique is that the only equipment required is your normal string of cooked spaggetti, preferably longer then one foot. Dr. Johnson Ampersand Johnson follows as such:`

`Apply one end of the noodle to the nostril.
Plug the other nostril by depressing the side with finger.
Inhale quickly through nose!
Make that pig sound at the rear roof of your mouth, like when getting those internal nose goblins that are so tasty)
As the end of the noodle draws into the back of your mouth reach with your thumb and forefinger and pull it out of your mouth.
Remember to keep your other hand on the other end of the noodle so you don't pull it all the way through the nasal tract.
Hold both ends, floss rapidly.
Repeat for other nostril. (if you are really adventurous, try both nostrils at once!)
Discard noodle, or eat, whatever your pleasure.`

`--Next issue we will explore ear flossing.`

`bLUCK HERE, AND THIS IS MY BULLSHIT. yOU KNOW THAT FUCKIN BUCK FIFTY MOVIE? wELL THOSE SPERMLESS TESTICLES RAISED THE PRICE TO 2 BUCKS! tHOSE CAPITALIST PIGS! hOW DARE THEY!? 2 BUCK MOVIE DOESN'T ROLL OF THE TONGUE QUIET AS NICE AS BUCK FIFTY DOES. i HOPE THEY ALL DIE LONELY PAINFUL DEATHS! 2 BUCK! iT SOUNDS.... dIRTY! (mAYBE IT'S OK AFTER ALL? nAH!) mAYBE WE'LL CALL IT bUCK bUCK mOVIE! fUCK, THAT SUCKS!! i'LL PROTEST! nO, i'M NOT A FUCKIN' PEACE LOVIN' HIPPY! bUT FUCK i'M PISSED OFF! tHOSE FESTERING GROINAL WARTS! tHOSE THROBBING INTESTINAL TUMORS!! hAVE A NICE DAY! (yOU FUCKIN' RETARDS!)
bLUCK @#$%!
p.s. i LIKE big pENCILS!`

       ===================================================================
       =================---->  S-E-X   I-N   A   P-A-N   <----============
       ===================================================================
       Qty  Measure Prepared  Ingredient                Directions
       ---  ------- -------- ----------------- | -------------------------
       1    Cup              Flour             | Combine flour, butter
       1/2  Cup     Melted   Butter            | and brown Sugar. Pack in
       2    Tbl              Brown Sugar       | 9 x 13 pan. Bake 20 min.
       1    Cup              Icing Sugar       | Mix icing sugar, cream;
       1    8oz pkg          Cream Cheese      | cheese and 1/2 Cool Whip
       2    Sml or 1 Lgr     Cool Whip         | and spread over cooled
       1    Sml pkg Instant  Vanilla Pudding   | base. Mix vanilla and;
       1    Sml pkg Instant  Chocolate Pudding | chocolate pudding with
       2    Cup              Milk              | milk and spread over the
       --------------------------------------- | cheese mixture .
                                               | Top with other 1/2
       I use Lge Puddings and an extra 1/2 cup | Cool Whip.
       of Milk and prefer to mix each & spread | Chill and serve.
       in individual layers.                   |
                                               | 'tis truely
       I also prefer Carmel to Vanilla.        | O-r-g-a-s-m-i-c....!
                                               |
       ===================================================================

`Many Physicists and Biologists and others of thier species around the world believe that the Universe was created by something called a Big bang. This was very nifty for a long time and all the theories fit snug and tight until one not so brilliant man realised something. He realised that in the Big bang theory gravity was not accounted for. You see, all of the universe according to the theory, originated out of one small point in space. Now if put all of the Universe into that small point, the density of that point would be extremely large. And the force of gravity coming from this point would be so vast, so incredibly huge, so positively immense, that nothing could escape its pull. That is exactly what happened.
Back in the beginning and even before that, an immensly dense point known as Big bang tried to explode outwards. Of course It didn't work and Big bang was said to be incredibly dense for even trying it. Big bang collasped on its self, passed out and woke up with a terribly painful hangover. He tried it again and again and soon grew to like it. He began to invite his friends over and they all did it while listening to music, eating potato chips and reciting bad pick up lines to any girls who happened to be about. This constituted what was to be known as the first party. After a while Big bang's friends began saying he had a problem as he did this all week non stop and pleaded with him to cut down. He went into denial and never returned. Of course denial is the first sign of an addict.
Before all that happened, Nothing escaped the pull of Big bangs gravitic pull and was free to roam the Universe which hadn't yet been created. Now the Nothing was a very odd creature. He had no dimensions you see and therefore, physically, did not exist, hence his name. being that the Universe at this point did not physically exist either, they got on quite well with one another. The Nothing was free flying intelligence, A brain of gigantic intellect without limitations. It was he, not Big bang, that ended up creating the universe one day. This is what happened: "Am I bored?" Nothing questioned Himself. Of course he wasn't actually talking seeing that he had no mouth. "Well, yes I am." Nothing replied. It was either that or the emptiness of emptiness that surounded him replying which it couldn't of course and so Nothing was force to answer himself. "I think (which was the only thing he could do) that today in all my wisdom I will create." "Oh, jolly good idea!" Replied Nothing once again. "I'm glad you agree my good nothing, for first trick I will create myself." The idea of making somethimg out of nothing is not really that hard to understand, since the two concepts have a considerable lot in common. The theory that the two are interchangeable quantities is quite a large branch of impractible physics studied on slyius four. The laws of nothing being: Since nothing is merely the absence of something it is something in itself. It impossible to be doing nothing even if it is the absence of doing something One is merely the absence of the other.
Thousands of years ago there lived a poet who worshipped Nothing the great creator of the universe, these where his words.`

`NOTHING`

`If Something turned to Nothing
Would Something still exist
For in the place of Nothing
Is the absence of Something missed
If I had come from Here
And you had come from There
If our positions were reversed
Who would come from Where
If There turned to Nothing
Would There just cease to be
But the absence of There
would still be Something to me
If I had come from Overyonder
But Nothing ate it too
Would I still have a place called home
Or would I live Here with you
But if Nothing is the absence
Of Everything and Something
How can Nothing be Something
When Something can't be Nothing
If I was going Somewhere
And you were going Nowhere
Could you still be Somewhere
By simply going Nowhere
I give up`

`This of course made absoloutley no sense and eveyone thought he was a really bad poet until he died.
Nothing had now created himself and he was very pleased with his progress. Floating in space Nothing found it very hard to breath which he now had to do since he was a living being. He quickly created a planet with a 17 percent oxygen based atmosphere in which he could breath more easily. The surface of this planet was mostly made out of a brown crumbly material named earth. He decided this word would make a suitable name for his new planet. There was no-one around to argue so he left it that way. He spent the next year or so travelling around this planet, touching up some of the less beautiful spots. He made great sculptures of rock called mountains and great bathtub like things called oceans. While taking a bath in one of these huge bathtubs he found them quite dull. He put a huge mass of rock in the sky to create waves in the oceans. He also made a recycling system also known as the hydro logic cycle. He did a many great things and thought of himself greatly for many a great year. In the latter stages of creation he made other living things to share his world with. He made lofty trees and green dewy plants and beautifully coloured flowers to replenish the 17 percent oxygen based atmosphere. He made animals great and small to replenish the 81 percent carbon dioxide based atmosphere and made certain types of fungus and bacteria to annoy all these animals as well as replenish the stock of dirt on the ground from which they came. He ended up with a nicely balanced ecosystem and once again felt great for many a great year. As he looked up to the sky one day he noticed that the continually dark roof was beginning to bore him (as we know all great minds bore easily.) He made a great light bulb in the sky and set the earth revolving around this light bulb at such and such an angle and such and such a distance as to obtain a pleasant cycle of light and dark.
After several decades of creating and recreating his planet, his solar system, his entire Universe was complete and perfect. Around the edges of this vast spherical space called the Universe was a nothing. The very absence of stuff that Nothing had come from. Nothing now found that his powers were growing smaller and harder to use. It was an extreme effort to create an inert gas or lump of rock. He was growing old.
He did not realise this, as age was an alien concept to him, he had always been since there had always been the absence of something. Now that he had created his beautiful new world the absence of something no longer existed and soon, neither would he. He worked this out in his mind and came up with the same hypothesis that I just spelled out. Nothing and something could not exist within the same Universe. He had created himself but he was essentially Nothing and therefore his own creation had become his own destruction. He did not want to die. This new world of his offered so much. To save himself he would have to leave. He pondered for many hours and then with the last of his strength he made one last creation. Intelligence. Then he was gone. Back to the realms of nothing.`

              II DDD   II  OOO  TTTTT  MM   MM   A   NN   NN
              II D  D  II O   O   T    MMM MMM  A A  NNN  NN
              II D   D II O   O   T    MM M MM  AAA  NN N NN
              II D  D  II O   O   T    MM   MM AA AA NN  NNN
              II DDD   II  OOO    T    MM   MM AA AA NN   NN

`Idiot Man's seven favorite car tricks to play on your best friend...`

1. `Pop the hood and re-wire his electrical system.`
2. `Slip under the car and cut the fan belt..a few minutes after he is going the car will stall.`
3. `Crazy glue the guy's winshield wipers in place.`
4. `Paint the car all over with glow-in-the-dark liquid except where the driver can see it e.g. name and phone number and penticles and insults to cop's`
5. `Place impact explosives on the tires`
6. `Open the hood and remove or solder into position the hood lock..the hood will not close till he fixes it.`
7. `Glue small poker chips in place over the lock (not-hard-to-fix damage)`

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