I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with
that?"

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I
hate plants.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices.

The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there
are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government
regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the
streets?

I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is getting better.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there are men on base.

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake
when you make it again.

On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
       1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
       2. Advising the President.
       3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
       -- David Letterman

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't
        realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea):
       For best results: Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron
                         with warm iron.
       For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry
                                on roofrack.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
                --Salvador Dali

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be
when you kill them.
                -- William Clayton

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important
lesson to be learned: Do not have sex with the authorities.