                              DENIS LEARY'S      
                                 ASSHOLE

SPOKEN:
FOLKS,I'D LIKE TO SING A SONG ABOUT THE AMERICAN
DREAM. ABOOUT ME ABOUT YOU. ABOUT THE WAY OUR
AMERICAN HEARTS BEAT DOWN IN THE BOTTOM OF OUR 
CHESTS. ABOUT THE SPECIAL FEELING WE GET IN THE
COCKLES OF OUR HEARTS,MAYBE BELOW THE COCKLES
MAYBE IN THE SUBCOCKLE ARER,MAYBE IN THE LIVER,
MAYBE IN THE KIDNEYS,MAYBE EVEN IN THE COLON WE 
DON'T KNOW

I'M JUST A REGULAR JOE WITH A REGULAR JOB
I'M YOUR AVERAGE WIGHT SUBRBANITE SLOB
I LIKE FOOTBALL AND PORNO AND BOOK'S ABOUT WAR
I'VE GOT AN AVERAGE HOUSE WITH A NICE HARDWOOD FLOOR
MY WIFE MY JOB,MY KID AND MY CAR
MY FEET ON THE MY TABLE,AND A COBAN CIGAR

BUT SOMETIME THAT JUST AIN'T ENOUGH
TO KEEP A MAN LIKE ME INTERESTED
(OH NO) ON WAY (UH-UH)
NO,I'VE GOTTA GO OUT AND HAVE FUN
AT SOMEONE ELSE'S EXPENSE
(OH YEAH) YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH

I DRIVE REALY SLOW IN THE ULTRAFAST LANE
WHILE PEOPLE BEHINE ME ARE GOING INSANE

I'M AN ASSHOLE (HE'S AN ASSHOLE,WHAT AN ASSHOLE)
I'M AN ASSHOLE (HE'S AN ASSHOLE,SUCH AN ASSHOLE)

I USE A PUBLIC AND PISS ON THE SEAT
I WALK AROUND IN THE SUMMETIME SAYING "HOW ABOUT THIS HEAT?"

I'M AN ASSHOLE (HE'S AN ASSHOLE,WHAT AN ASSHOLE)
I'M AN ASSHOLE (HE'S THE WORLD'S BIGGEST ASSHOLE)

SOMETIMES I PARK IN HANDICAPPED SPACES
WHILE HANDICAPPED PEOPLE MAKE HANDICAPPED FACES

I'M AN ASSHOLE (HE'S AN ASSHOLE,WHAT AN ASSHOLE)
I'M AN ASSHOLE (HE'S A REAL FUCKING ASSHOLE)

MAYBE I SHOULDN'T BE SINGING THIS SONG
RANTHING AND RAYING AND CARRYING ON
MAYBE THAY'RE RIGHT WHEN THEY TELL ME I'M WRONG
NAAAAA!

I'M AN ASSHOLE (HE'S AN ASSHOLE,WHAT AN ASSHOLE)
I'M AN ASSHOLE (HE'S THE WORLD'S BIGGEST ASSHOLE)

SPOKEN:
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?I'M GONNA GET 
MYSELF A 1967 CADILLAC ELDORADO CONVERTIBLE,HOT PINK
WITH WHALIESKIN HUBCAPS AND ALL LEATHER COW INTERIOR
AND BIG BROW BABY SEAL EYES FOR HEADLIGHTS
YEAH! AND I'M GONNA DRIVE AROUND IN THAT
BABY AT 115 MPH GETTING ONE MILE PER GALLON
SUCKING DOWN QUARTER POUNDER CHEESBURGERS FROM
MCDONALD'S IN THE OLD-FASHIONED NON-BIODEGRADABLE
STYAROFOAM CONTAINERS AND WHEN I'M DONE SUCKIN
DOWN THOSE CREASBALL BURGERS,I'M GONNA WIPE
MY MOUTH WITH THE AMERICAN FLAG AND THEN I'M
GONNA TOSS THE STYROFOAM CONTAINER RIGHT OUT THE 
SIDE AND THERE AIN'T A GODDAMNED THING ANYBODY CAN
DO ABOUT IT. YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE WE GOT THE BOMBS,THAT'S WHY

TWO WORDS, NUCLEAR FUCKING WEAPONS,OKAY!
RUSSIA,GERMANY,ROMANIA. THEY CAN HAVE ALL
THE DEMOCRACY THEY WANT. THEY CAN HAVE A BIG
DEMOCRACY CAKEWALK RIGH THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF
TIANANMEN SQUARE AND IT WON'T MAKE A LICK
OF DIFFERENCE BECAUSE WE'VE GOT THE BOMBS,OKAY!
JOHN WAYNE'S NOT DEAD-HE'S FROZEN. AND AS
SOON AS WE FIND THE CURE FOR CANCER WE'RE
GONNA THAW OUT THE DUKE AND HE'S GONNA
BE PRETTY PISSED OFF. YOU KNOW WHY? 
HAVE YOU EVER TAKEN A COLD SHOWER? WELL,MULTIPLY
THAT BY 15,000,000 TIMES,THAT'S HOW PISSED OFF
THE DUKE'S GONNA BE. I'M GONNA GET THE DUCK
AND JOHN CASSAVETES
(HEY)
AND LEE MARVIN
(HEY
AND SAM PECKINPAN
(HEY)
AND A CASE OF WHISKY AND DRIVE DOWN TO TEXAS...
(HEY,YOU KNOW YOU REALLY ARE AN ASSHOLE)
WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT UP AND SING THE SONG PAL!

I'M AN ASSHOLE (HE'S AN ASSHOLE,WHAT AN ASSHOLE)
I'M AN ASSHOLE (HE'S THE WORLD'S BIGGEST ASSHOLD)

A-S-S-H-O-L-E EVERYBODY A-S-S-H-O-L-E

BARKING:
ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF 
FUNG ACHNG TUM A FUNG TUM A FLING CHUM
OOOH OOOH

SPOKEN:
I'M AN ASSHOLE AND PROUD OF IT!
