song: the fail
mic mell
by goat
current name: The Typo Knig, Cap'n Shiddy
current birthplace: Somebody's couch or floor
former height: 5 rocks, 7 teeth
former favorite bodily girth: Beer and Fried Chicken
ideal romantic expression involving an explosion not of bodily origins: Hold this detonator,a nd dont let go of the trigger, or we'll all die.
why do you have nipples?
to keep my pants up, oh i was thinking of hipples, sorry
what is something musical you've recently learned for the first time?
i made a great rue out of old socks and motor oil recently. But I mean, i'm always learning new things, right now i;ve gotten back into playing guitar a bit, studying a little bit of country blues, and exposing myself to music that is new to me, like european dance music and alot of latin jams.
how often do you pepper your vocab with 50 cent words and what are they?
I think that an extensive vocabulary lends itself to clearer, more concise commuinication between people. but I try only to use colorful languane when it conveys the exact meaning i am looking for.
list ways one might modify the addage "the best things in life are free".
The best things in life may not cost you cash, but nothing is costless. or maybe, the best things in life are free when you're broke.
true or false: mob mentality is a riot.
I like how your jokes are on two levels, so like, one way i can say yes that mob rule makes people crazy and the other way i can say haha you are too funny because people are funny in their mob ways. To be perfectly candid, the idea of a flock of sheep bleating around mindlessly kind of annoys me, I think everyone should make up their own damn mind.
how often do you give people advice you know is tainted with badness?
I'm not malicious, just delusional
true of falsch: success is the best revenge. explain.
Maybe. I like to think i've outgrown the need for vindictiveness, but i do admit that sometimes people's doubt can be the greatest motivator ever. Wait, that's spite, not revenge. I guess no, then, there's no need for revenge, unless someone kills your sensei, then you must embark on a quest to hunt him down, and in the process go through dozens of evil henchmen in cool places, like in that movie The Transporter where the guy is in the bus station and then ends up covering everything in oil and grabs the footpedals from the bike and beats everyone up. Well, ok, he didin;t do that for his sensei, but I mean, you see it on teevee and in the movies all the time, and everything the media drivels out to us is true, right? So I gues sthe be st revenge is malking it to the final boss with all the items and powerups you can get.
As far you can tell, have you ever thumb wrestled to keep food on the table?
No, but I ate a drum kit once.
if it were up to you, how would animals experience pleasure?
One word: emoticons. Or by breathing, that would be the Bee's Knees!
in terms of stearage, would you describe yourself as robusto or ... ?
I got you on this one, man. Stearage is not a word. Steerage is, but im more a starboard man than a port one. I spose i would say yes, i am known to babble on, but i;m no luxury liner.
where is the worst place to get a tattoe?
a. the skin
b. all of the above
C: A flower which has at its center your anus, and radiates up your back, across your butt cheeks, and around to your bellybutton. Use your imagination.
if dogs years were the same as human years, how old would you be in dog years?
I'm a dog I'm a dog I'm a dog... ooh... is that made of meat? can i eat it? I likes me sum meat... mmm meaty meaty meat... hey what was the question? what's a question? who am i?
should hungry people be allowed by law to eat their pets if they get, like, real hungry?
that depends on whether they;re slaughtered kosher or not, what kindof sauce you use, and whether or not you copulated with them first (although that's just another kind of sauce, eh?).
speaking of tricked out low rider ambulances, what mode of transportation do you salivate over?
A silver surfboard run by the power cosmic is a nice ride, that or an RV for touring, or one of those Green Goblin flying thingees. I HATE driving, but i do a ridulous amount of it, because it;s the easiest way to tour.
the "did we lose a war or something?" question: how can a row of shops be called a strip "mall" but i cant legaly name my momma baby saddam bin hitler?
you're probing me in a place i'm not comfortable with, so take your finger out of there. i've told you a thousand times what a turn off politics is, so if you wanna talk about this, put your pants back on. I would like to point out that we have a very entensvie power grid, water system, highway system, a/c, refrigeration, and interweb in the states, and I am a proponent of these things. it's difficult to quantify the pros and cons of the pleasures of modern science and the social contract we;ve signed to get it. You can, however, name you kid anything you want. Bill Lear (the owner of the Lear jet company) named his daughter Chanda, and free speech ins't dead yet, so I'm pretty sure you;re dead wrong in your question.
in third grade i was goofing off in gym class and the instructor (carl ridgeway, he's still there) came over to me and said "the devil's gonna get you, mr kruger". that freaks the freak out of me thinking an adult would say something so dark to a little kid just having fun and doing normal little kid stuff.
I got beat up after school once by mister ridgeway. He took this necklace my mom gave me and threw it in the canal. They had a police man come out in full scuba gear and dredge it out. It was a pretty good deal considering all i had to do was let the guy kick my head against the sidewalk..
list a few guilty pleasures. i'll brake the ice: i enjoy will smith movies and overtly racist bluegrass music.
You're an amatuer if you feel guilty about your pleasures. I don't feel bad about smoking pot, drinking beer, cursing, discussing philosophy, politics, or poetry, watching movies, or licking a woman's stomach. Wild West was a terrible movie, but i liked bagger vance. I mean, for a modern interpretation of age old stereotypes. Oh, and overtly racist reggae music is really cool. I toured with a reggae band for awhile.
who is the last person on earth, living or dead, you'd kiss with an open mouth and tongue and everything?
this is a trick question. we all know fluid exchange is a gross and unnecessary act, unless its for the purpose of making ice cream.
bodily explosions and gasping aside, what's the funniest thing you've ever overheard in a public rest room.
The smell of fecal candy wafting into my pores reminds me of you.
It's said that the pen is mightier then the sword. what kind of pen are they talking about? the kind that cuts off heads?
I think they the mean the sharPENed kind... *sound of agonized groaning form the gallery*
have you ever been on a beach on the ocean and started to have hippy thoughts about the crushing immensity of the waters before you and how they mirror the infinite vastness of life itself only to be interupted by a sea gull crap attack?
No, but i have been tackled by someone moving at top speed to break up the same moment.
what female traits do you observe in males around you that make you smug in your sexuality?
I'm not sure how to answer this question, because I have a special curse surrounding my libido. I don't think there's really anything that makes me feel superior to the rest of the swimmers in the gene pool.
what female traits do you observe in males around you that make you itchy and congested?
I don't allow other men's femininity (or masculinity) to unnerve me most of the time, but If I HAD to pick something, it would be guys that have no body hair. I mean, isn't that what testosterone is sposed to do? but then again, apparently body hair hasn't been cool since Tom Selleck was Magnum P.I., so what do i Know. And yes, I'm a hairy guy, but not on my back, although I'm still young...
anyone claiming to have lived past lives usually say they were some king or artist famous inventor, for example, i was thomas edison's second step dad. concidering an estimated 70 some billion people have exsisted since the dawn of time, shouldnt more people just been common folk? what is your take on this?
Considering the amount of interpreation, nebulousness, and chicanery associated with this sort of pseudo-science, I think it's safe to say that it's totally unimportant who you used to be, and people should be more focused on who they are and what they're doing. After all, being the former king of atlantis and having a dollar will get you a fountain drink, but so will having been bobboe the shit slinging serf and having a dollar. And besides, if you (the understood you) were such an important person ina former life, what happened to you from that one to this one, hmmm? In a former life, I was alive.
will you name a new track "algebra is the answer" if i mailed you some almond chunkys?
Absolutely, although i prefer moist buds and Trail Mix. What's an Almond Chunky, anyways?
how many rounds of shadow boxing can you usually last?
That depends on how inebriated i am, the directiono f the wind, and the amoujnt of rice avaiulable in singapore for 3pm-8pm on the third thrusday of each month.
what percentage of your life is real hip hop flava?
There's no funk fakin', yo, there is only Zuul.
what are you moist proud of?
a. witty and urbane nature
b. snappy fashion sense
c. commendable posture
d. exceptional organizational skills
e. talent for hosting dinner partys
f. amount of money contributed to keep the republicans in office
g. good breath
UYP846: My integrity, blunt honesty, transaprent nature, and sincerity. my predilection for soul food, sushi, and funky beats. i wish you woudnlt make fun of my clothes, though because everyone else does.
true of false: you have given people money to make them go away.
Nolo Contendre. Motion to dissolve, coagulate, and slither on.
my week long dream is to open a microbrewery in my apartment for monetary gain. what are some things you've never done for money?
I have never taken a bribe in return for favoring a law to deregulate wetlands or forests. I've never taken money for crack or meth. I've never appropriated billions of dollars of american tax money to other nations while our schools continue to slump ever downward for money. I've never burned a village, killed a baby, or destabilized a sovereign nation for money. I've never married somebody who was rich or used my dad's contacts to increase my prestige for money. I've never been on a piss poor sitcom or created a poorly contrived plot premise for a series for money. I;ve never shit in the mall for money, or even been paid to shop. I've never been paid as a spokesperson for sealy posturepedic, theraflu, or effexor. I've never fondled you for money either, i did that for the ether.
how often do you give children candy you know is tainted with tainty poison?
I'm not allowed to play with poison, radioactive materials, sharp objects, or other people without supervision.
would you slap a girl if she took the comment "your beauty is an inch deep and a mile wide" as compliament?
I don't think you and i have the same definition of slap, here....
what central life lesson of yours has been the hardest to derive any usable meaning from?
Another trick question. I learn from all of my accomplishments and mistakes, even if i make them again.
fill in the blank: ____________________, or the nudists will have already won.
"Is that velour?"
what does it mean when male nipples get puffy? i have this idea for a bad dream that includes an army of bikini clad dick cheneys literaly covered by puffy male nipples, even on the bottom of their feets. what i'm really saying is i think dick cheney is the biggest liar in the world, and i want to make fun if him. i really, really dispise that guy. i think he's probably really a vampire or demonic she-beast, but mos def one of the plagues foretelling the endtimes. i would totaly french kiss and bear hug and be best friends with a dead zombie body (even if it's only a pile of stinky guts and skin in the corner) before ever stepping foot in the same area code as him. he is being a liar with me for a few years, now. a big liar who knows he is liaring but is somehow cool with liaring to the whole country. cheney makes it really hard for me to be christ like, mostly because our lord said that offing your foes by dropping grand pianos on them or burying them in wet cement isn't the way to go. jesus was cool like that.
First of all, what right have you to put product placement into religion? The next thing you know, you're going to tell me product jesus is somehow better than product vishnu, product allah, or product jah rastafari. Second of all, If you want to be christ like, I got a friend with some 2x4's and a nail gun who will be happy to oblige you. tertiarily, If you haven't been to washington in the last few years then you don't know about the new puffy nipple legislation thats going thru congress,which i think is weird, since you're name is all over it. I think they made it into one of those watermarks that superimposes the whole docuiment from behind, you know? like those fake checks they send you that say "SAMPLE" or "NOT REAL" in that grayish haf invisible fonty thing on it. 4thwise, i'm pretty sure honesty and candor are not considered favorable in politics, nor have they ever been an integral part of governments or religions, except for people that don't live very long, like Dr. King, Anwar El Sadat, Ghandi, Maloclm X and that christ guy (to name a few). btw, if you're such a fan of racist bluegrass music, how can you love a black man like jesus? I mean, he was black, you know.
are there reasons why people shouldnt emulate your music and lifestyle choices and name their children with your track titles?if so, keep them to yourself. just joshing, list them here.
I;ve been accused of taking the starving artists stereotype to ridiculous extremes, and I;m a man of stupid principle, which has caused me aggravation on many an occasion. I'm not in this game for money, prestige, fame, or even girls, I do it because I believe making music is what I'm here to do (even though i know how cheezy that sounds). Besides, I want everyone to be free to be themselves, not like me. And i think my track titles would make stupid names most of the time. I mean, who'/s gonna name their kid Low Blood Sugar or Seven Trasure Duck? Although, Roswell might make a cool name.
If there;s nothing further, I thank for the opportunity to spread my stupidity to a larger audience. Check out www.micmell.com for mp3's and tour dates, because i;'m spending alot of time on the road these days. And in the next 6 months, keep your eye out for my new experimental full length "Low Blood Sugar" on nophi and the "Future Funk Collective" hip hop extravanganza an Consumer Electronics. I love you all, you;re beautiful.
Any last words?
You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.
mic mell website